Mei.

i wanna write a novel about everything but i can't able to stick to one story ,
its like when i write about something im unable to find a continue in it,
so i just start a new one,

Im afraid if i publish that as a novel ,
people would say it as a story book...
i find its hard for me but i try.
its hard for me to make the story long
cause i tend to make it boring
i just like to straight to the point

my head is crazy of shit n full of stupid ones.
although i had already fantasise the novel cover haha.
So many untold story that can relate to one another.

Deactivation.

I end up crying thinking about you
i end up stressing myself worrying about you

and now i realize you dont feel the same way
i crushed
i die

Never have i love this deep
Never have i been this stupid
I was tricked i was blind loved
I was used by you


onthenightofspm.

IJUSTHATEMYFUCKINGLIFE.
NOTHINGGOESWELLASPLAN.
THEPERSONILOVETHEMOSTLEFTME.
THEPERSONICAREDTHEMOSTUSEDME.
THEPERSONITRUSTTHEMORETALKBADABOUTME.
WHOAMIWITHOUTANYBODY.
ALLTHISTIMEAMIDESTINEDTOLIVEALLALONE.
THENWHYDOIHAVETOLIVE.
WHYDOIHAVETOBURDENALLTHISBYMYSELF.
WHYCANTANYBODYORANYONREJUSTBELOYALANDSTAY.
WITHOUTEVENABITOFHURTINGME.
OMGIDONTCARENYMOREBUTMYBRAINKEEPTHINKINGABOUTIT.
ANDITSHURTINGMEINSIDEANDOUTSIDEKILLINGME.

Hypertonic

I leave without goodbye
I leave at the deepest hour
I wont be there when you seek me
Cause at that time, im gone.

You saw me, You hear my steps
And yet you stand still
Watching me as i make my move
Though you care
Though you love
But you let me walk alone
Walking away
No effort of stopping me
Persuading me

Screw you for Screwing my emotions
Stupid me for believing and loving you
No more.
Lets put an end to this bullshit.
Simple, no care equals to no hurt and pain

Undefined

A gay definition should be increase and horizon its value.

A gay can be happy .
A gay can be the sex between guys.
A gay can also be classified as a guy with emotions.

A girl always want a guy with emotion to understand her
But they seldom chose a muscular guy with a stone heart
When they're heart broken then they started to regrets and cry

But when a guy is open up and all emotion shit
People start to bash them
Calling them weak and puny
Well let me tell you, when a guy has change and open up
They can easily understand you and motivates you
They know how to make you happy and make you feel wanted
But the side effect is, they cant be muscular and cool
They will be charming and romantic

For some people.
The judge people to fast,
Saying a guy with emotions is gay and faggot
Thus making people hate them
Besides that  they conclude them having sex with male
Due to the weak appearances they put up

Paradox Error

Im deceases and degenerate.
I think to much.
I dont trust people easily, when i do. They left or do stupid things.
Im tired. So tired of handling peoples shit. Loving and hoping for the wrong people.
Im tendency and determined to keep myself strong and away from this breaker.
As much as i want to be loved and ask. Daily cared just about me.
I wont find that kind of happiness because the person i want is not longer exist.
Pain change me, but you control me. What i become and what i do is from my experience
I cant take it anymore longer. I been dead for ages. Knowing that i can smile and laugh.
Doesn't it obvious how a perfect actor i could be. My lips My eyes impersonating you.
Creating a new world for my personalities. Different one, different dimension.
Love, jokes, trust, hope. Does think does not have and affect on me anymore.
Im invisible to the little things. My wall is indestructible.

Young&Stupid

Im going to make the greatest regrets of my life.
This is sad as loosing my own family.
I loved you too much.
Beyond words, Beyond infinity.

Leaving you. Its like killing myself.
Taking a knife and stabbing it again and again.
Bleeding. Crying. Mourning. 

Let me be the only one who's feeling is destroyed.
Without you knowing how much it takes.
To forget you, deleting all those memories.
Im clicking the destruct button to myself.
Im shutting my own door.

As much as i dont want to do this.
I just have. I just doing this for the future.
Not mine but yours. I love you, remember?
I wont explain the reasons, just know its a good thing.
You're the best, You're the reasons i smile. 
But i cant hurt you and myself. Goodbye.

With all the respect love and honour
I thanked you guys . 
Danial Rosli . Haikel Daud . Irfan Rosli . Anas Farhan . Afiq . Aiman . Fathi .
The family i cherish. Thank you a lot for fixing and healing me.
But im just too wounded to be open again. Im just used to be alone.
I know im weird. But its better if you dont know the real me.

Let me be heartless.
A concrete wall.
All to myself.
A walking corpse.


AnotherChapter

Its the start of something new.
Its time for a new fairytale. 

Im in love with you. My best friend. My girlfriend. My lover. 
17July2012 marks the day. Official for us.
I wont hope too much but i will try to keep us alive.
Before the goodbye comes by.
I know we both aint perfect. But together we complete each other.
Both of us hold a secret. Day by day. I know you more.
Something that excites me. But somehow i feel down when ever you are sad.
I failed to make you happy. To make you smile. To make you feel granted.
I want you to know. I love you for you. I know im not the one for you.
Im sorry if i ever hurt you. Im sorry . Im sorry my love.
I hope we last as what ever we will be. Either lover or friend. I love You.
❤ NabilahAfiqah 

A new family. Another group of people to count on.
A group of people i can trust. 
Maybe im afraid to open up.
To get hurt and disappointed again.
But i have to be brave.
 Haikel . Irfan 
Welcome to my life, just welcome. There's other.
But im not going to mention them all. Those two person are extra.
I take them as my family. That means i love you guys .
Dont betray me. Dont leave me. Dont used me.
ThankYou.

People hates me. and I fully agree with that.
Im annoying and loud. Im a freak triple weirdo.
Im just done. Of fake me and real me.
Society wont accept me, even my friends left.
Theres no point of holding on to something that wont last.
Its not giving up, its called moving on.


Lost. Im lost... I lost everything...  I dont need something to happened and regret.... I already feel lost when im with you.... Lost can be loosing something, something that worth all your love and life and you know you wont ever get it back.... Ive been let go and i have made the toughest choice of my life... Not all choice i made lead me to happy place.... but those choice make me cry.... I may hold on to memories but at the end... I know it all will fade away or im just pretending it, imagining it to happened again.... I rather not to live. Not to be born.


My anger is my energy . Im easy to get mad . I scold people directly with the truth . Dont fucking make me hate you . Dont you ever make me angry . I told you my fire is like a running train . I shoot at your fucking face . Dont be so bitchy or be a bitch . I just fucking curse you . Aint no fucking shit you piece of ass ugly face . Die Die Die, is my prayer to you . Amen . Bitch .


Instead of labeling me. Have you ever try.
To read my soul . Be me . See my point of view . Read my thoughts . Live my life . Carry my pain .
You don't even try to comfort me . Love me or except me for who i  am .
How can you say be yourself and unique in your own way .
When the basic life you are trying to shape us into something .
Were human , we may have the same material and all .
But our heart and soul are different .

I believe in unicorn , a fast runner creature . Have a unique power . Release a rainbow and set the world a better place . As i see it , A person can make a difference if people just let us shine . Let us give our own colour to the rainbow . Thus make the world itself a peace and harmony . Yes, human can fall and die . With a compassionate and unstoppable support . Even the ladders when people hold it, it wont fall. Even it the person climb to the highest part. You cant give excuse to a fact. That's just meant you are standing in a way of pure solid justice.


Life is magnificently beautiful
as the arts of life colour it
I wouldn't aspect a person life to be dull
as memories, love , friendship
can make a rainbow
from hard to easy
from sad to happy
There's nothing else to do
than be strong and move on
keeping , expressing , believing
That's the thing holding us

How could you be so selfish. Keeping yourself alone . I need you . I have always been . I dont want to feel alone . To wake up alone . To cry and eat alone . To walk this earth alone . At least smile when we meet . I know i cant see you anymore or here your voice ever again . I know we cant be like old times . What is history cant be present again . What has been done cant be reverse . What is said cant be forgotten . And for what is hurt is now a deep cut .


Falling in love with you was wonderful but i cant be there for you anymore. I'm sorry. I feel like im in love with something that is invisible. I feel like hugging and kissing myself. I dont feel alone, i just dont know what to believe. I dont even know you are real anymore. I dont intend to get hurt. I just can afford anymore pain.


Should i forget about you ..................  btw i still miss you
Love. Friends. Family. Life. God. Carrier. 


What if one day you have to choose  between them.
What will you pick.
How can you decide.
How can you judge.
How could you even think about it.
Dont you even dare decide it.
We, maybe live our life alone.
But without THEM all.
Who are we? Where would we be really standing right now.
We fight. We argue. We lie. We hurt.
But that doesn't meant its over.
Nothing can break a sincere relationship.
Nothing can destroy something so pure.
Made of a true and beauty love.
No matter what happened.
Forgiveness.
Forget.
:)


Maafkan saya.  Tetapi saya nak mintak berpisah dari awak. Awak tidak mempunyai kesalahan dan saya tidak ada alsan terhadap awak. Cuma awak bukan untuk saya dan saya kurang rasa seragam dengan awak. Awak memang lawa baik comel semua itu. Entahlah, saya suka dan sayang awak. Saya tak nak bagi alasan, Saya tak nak salahkan pihak lain. Saya tak nak rosakkan kehidupan awak. Jadi saya lepaskan awak. Saya harap awak faham dan boleh jadi kawan rapat. 

Vandage

Hai. Nabilah mintak post kali ni dalam bahasa melayu. Baiklah. Manusia datang dan pergi. Pejam celik dunia baru bermula. Manusia yang baik dan peramah sering jadi mangsa. Dipergunakan dan dikecewakan. Semuanya pasal kisah mereka. Hanya mereka sahaja seolah solar sistem berputar mengelinginya. Maksud saya, apabila seseorang itu rapat dengan kita. Dia je yang boleh bercerita. Dia je yang betul. Asik kita je yang kene dengar tetapi dia tak nak dengar cerita kita. Da la sakit hati pastu kecewa. Apa jenis manusia, sombong dan berlagak. Tolong la jadi berperikemanusian dan bertimbang rasa la jugak. Setiap orang ada kisah tersendiri dan setiap cerita tidak sama. Tolong la dengar walau bosan macam mana pun. Jangan ingat semua orang milik kau. Satu dunia kau yang kuasa. Kalau aku fedup kau marah. Kalau aku malas nak dengar kau cerita kau cakap aku berubah la , kau cakap aku sombong la. Tapi bila kau tak layan atau malas dengar cerita aku . Aku hanya bersabar sahaja. Aku tahu betapa penting nilai kawan. Aku memang terlalu jaga perasaan kawan dan sayang kawan. Sampaikan aku utamakan kebahagiaan kawanku dari hidupku. xoxoxo- ilhamdanial.


Life is a living burden. My soul is lost in this violence world. My wish is only to die. I cant even achieve my simple goal. Im useless. I have nothing to support and motivate me. Im just a another cell in a human body. Tiny and alone. I dont even know my purpose of living. But im certainly sure it was a mistake. Ugly and annoying is my middle name. I cant fight fate. I cant change history. I cant do anything but just flow with it. Society is judgemental and cruel. I cant even say a word. I cant even be myself. I cant even speak. In the end everything will destroy me. Torn bit to bit. Even the person i love left me. The person i trust hate me. The person i care turn into my enemies.


Great thing happened when you think bigger . I love myself . I love my friends and family . I have found the key of life . Im ready to fall and rise again . I dont know what im trying to blog here . But i wanna clearly state and support * YOLO * you only live once . That motto makes me happy day by day . Because i can enjoy my life to the fullest without worrying if anything gonna go bad or my makeups look like a clown . No bitch can tame me . No prison can chain me . No law can rule me .  Im wild and unique. Im awesome just being me .  Love my life .


People leave, New comes. I get hurt, Someone will heal me. I get dumped, Someone will take me.

Life mus go on, Even if you think you are alone. Sometimes we need to stand strong by ourself for a while. We dont need other people. WE survive alone in out mothers womb for 9month, Why cant we survive in this world.

I love you I miss you . Even my family and friends can say it. Better than you. Guess what, i dont need you after all. 






Wanna know what happened ? i freak out. i turn into a monster. i anoyed many people.but most of all , non of my real / fake / wannabe friends there for me to help me.Guess i dont have a real friend now. I used to have but i got carried away and not grateful to them.Alright, i used to have frends , amirul asyraf and azmi fahmi . They used to be there for me but now everything has change. Amirul went to boarding school and azmi, well he got famous and in love. You know what people say, because of  lover you lost a friend. So technically i used to live alone. Its sucks and feel like wanna die all the time but i have to continue with my life.to make it more stupid- once i even cut myself last year bcause of one of ma frend. Just because he ignore me. I feel so stupid now :( i love all my friends and i want them so bad. I wish i can turn back time.







I just want someone to care about me. Be there for me at my worst and joy time. Love me for who i am, accept me for i have become or what i use to be. I dont care i have no more friends. I dont care that my family ignore me. But most certainly cannot bare that the person i love hurt me. It's okay if you doesnt reply my love, as long as i love you it enough for me to live my life.

I always make mistake. I think it runs in my blood.
And somehow the person i need the most is my friend.
Which is always busy and not there for me all the time.
*Sigh*
Friends Friends Friends , the people who always get me broken.
That's why i hate hoping. I hate loving. I hate caring. I hate emotions.

bye... apparently i lost my mood again.


It's been so long and i'm so sorry i left you alone. I was looking for a new road a new hope.
I guess we cant really find it. Not in this world.
To love we must get hurt. To find a friend we must hurt.
To have a family we have to die.
What i' trying to say it.
Nobody really cares about you. All you need is yourself in the end.
You have to be strong and believe in yourself.
You're awesome handsome beautiful smart and talented.
You dont need someone else to told you that.
Unfortunately i lost my faith in love. I dont need emotions anymore.
Because that's the reason i'm tumbling down.


Today was a lonely day for me , as i walk across other human. It's like i just walk past them. Ngeh i dont even care or the time to care. Today i got to KSL CITY, it was suppose to be with my friends but i end up walking alone . So i just bought two movie tickets. I cant believe im watching it all alone -_- The tittle was The Vow and The Hunger Games . Omaigod i enjoy the movie so much. It was so magical and speechless .The Vow - starring Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams . Its about a couple which the wife lost her memory and the husband try so hard to restore it, until ... he have to divorce her , because she cant recalled anything all she see her husband is a stranger. I wont say more, you go watch it yourself :) The Hunger Games ? was spectacular ! maybe for some is boring but i really enjoy and like it <3 after that i got to Omega lol .... enter the class late and everybody's looking at me.

Blog you been my shoulder to cry on for a lot of times . I can only talk to you when im sad , i can express to you without people stupid opinion . Dear blog i feel so sad so empty , i feel like its not worth to be alive anymore . Im not just tired but  i have lost my hope . I wanna get away from everybody anything . I couldn't handle any more disappointment , i been as crazy as possible to smile to laugh . People can detect how truly broken i am deep inside. If i have plenty of money, i would change my face body voice . The things i dont hate but the society can accept . I would live far far away from human . Just me God and nature maybe a lover of my life . I feel stupid for being strong and taking the same shit everyday.
My happiness is more important than other people . I need to be happy I need to accept who i am first.
]

so i heard, you're back together with your ex . Yes i do love you Yes i wanna marry you . but i cant force you to love me to accept me . I let you go because i want to see you smile again not that you always sad with me . I dont want you to try to love me when you still love your ex . So i still remember when we together and you ask me what if we break and be friends, i was broken and hurt. I know you want it from the beginning of our relationship . But what kills me the most when you get back with your ex . Im not saying he is a bad guy but i dont like seeing you get hurt over and over again for the same reasons . Maybe i love you so much, maybe i take you as my wife . I cant control my feelings . sorry . Hey i wish you all the best and happiness with him ok .

idk i cant take it anymore . Im living in my sadness my past. I cant move on without completing myself . I try and try but failure is my destiny. I wish to end this pathetic life hut i have to learnt it before i leave . I should be grateful but i feel so empty hmm im just so insecure to the max . I have nobody ... Nobody . Im sad as always but im gonna shine. I lost my light but im gonna glow. I lost myself again ... maybe i become more strong but maybe i just die. mentally hurt physically bleed , i m a living corps trying to find my long lost soul . Maybe i kill myself but km not that stupid . I should try to hold back my tears n emotion . Try to move is my main purpose. Ouh ...

You can take everything i have , tearing the love apart collecting your jar of heart . Sky are crying am watching love the way you lie. Memories and mistake they memories made but nevermind i find someone like you . I feel like an idiot for loving you like a baby . Love don't hurt but you not loving me respect me trusting me . That hurts! And then you come back to me asking me to love you again . I dont want to hear a thing you say cause ure so yesterday . I dot love you idont need you! Whenever i look at you i see myself the person i want to be the person miss the most . Near far wherever youre i believe that the hearts go on . Time will heal me but im not easily to forget you. Love can touch us one time and last for a life time. Im about to lose my mind, you been hurting me for so long. I need a Hero to heal me and set me free, heal my scars fix my heart


Till the world set us apart. Till the last if your blood dry. Till our last breath .... its not just enough, it will never be . Nobody will notice you . Nobody will appreciate you . You cant be you. You change into something you hate. You try you best to adopt but people keep letting you down, hurt . Broken and alone.... You soon miss the old you and how you regret you change. But people change life change, thy start saying your being a fake they want the old you the real you. And so it happens again when you change..... But you will never be enough for them NeVer! Its time to live your life the way you want the way you feel the way you can be proud of your life.... cause nothing will fucked up your life when you live in your own world. A world where your happiness is the main source of energy. You wont be spoken for a bad stuff you wont be judge for being ugly fat skinny black you wont be called bad names for doing the smallest mistake of your life . Your world, start creating it. You don't need anybody inside your world except God and time . Let the duplets be your new best friend . If your world is shaken and destroy again by some idiot. Don't stop to build and live, live your life to the fullest and dont forget to smile cause you shine bitch.


My rehab is my music. My lover is food. My room is my crib. My main purpose of life is destroy. I killed myself i kill it ... now my life is as dark as a cave . Im a living shadow a walking corpse . Im suffocated with lies disappointment crash dreams stupidity and things that make me feel like a shit. When the delicious love or my come, i ate the chocolate like a wild beast. Im a cannibal baby. Sometimes my mega best friend come to take the pain away, as i bleed ... The blood flowing across my wrist the pain is gone . My life is between the lines floating freely on the cloud. As i gasping and crying drastically, i know my pain has vanish...... im feeding on hope happiness and the truth

Hello you pathetic bitch, so wanna be a fake barbie. Go To Hell . Thats my piece of message for you. What's friends ? seriously . Is it the one who dissapointed us all the time Or the one who leaves us when we need them the most . A better definition is the one who use us for personal used and dumped us like a loser or garbage when they're happy .

from the picture its *SHE* btw . lol . Erm well its been ages since i talk to you , maybe a few month just like that after we break up . I dont know why ? maybe because i hate you so much for some reasons . but i cant be hatting you cause i love you . So maybe im still waiting for you but i know you're happy now . There to many maybe when you comes to love ... but i want you to know i will forget you or stop loving you . March has enter , the first thing i remember is you , cause its our monthly anniversary . Yeah . We maybe ex's but you will always be real to me . It changes here and there but you wont left my mind , my heart . Today at school , i talked to you . I know im late but yes . Finally i talked to you and i make you laugh and smile . OMG only God knows how i feel , its like time stop a while . My friends say stop living in the past but i say its called hope .

As long as i can hold this tears, i will. As long as i can fake a smile, i will. No matter strong or weak i look, im fighting inside. My emotions and thought are like a world war to me. Its never been easy and it will never be. I recently try to heal myself , try to move on , try to fall for another person. But i cant, i failed to control myself cause now im hurting again. I guess im just weak as i ever be. My love wont be the same, i wont be same again cause im madly in love with you. Not that kind of love but i just miss you. Although you never love me but i never angry at you cause i just want to be with you now and forever. idc anymore